Essays - How to Pass Yourself Off as Canadian

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In the current climate of world unrest - one may find that one's travels become slightly more pleasurable with a couple of maple leafs attached. However, there are many tricks to this subtle art, and here are a few pointers for folks from larger (population-wise only, of course) countries in How To Be A Canadian Traveler Whom Everyone Loves And Is Really Nice To.

1) Flags are important. Every Canadian has got a luggage tag with the maple leaf on it. That is OK for luggage, and it's even all right to sew a Canadian flag badge onto a backpack. Those can be quite large - like 3 X 5 inches, and will not arouse suspicion. If one has an extra item, such as a purse, or flight bag, or, say, violin case, it is best to acquire a rather smaller, say one inch by a half, little flag that you can attach.

I recently noticed, (since my little flag fell off, and I had to purchase a bigger one for the violin case since the little ones were not available), that I appeared not unlike someone from a larger (although not in land size) country trying to pass myself off as a Canadian. Canadians are not big into ostentatiousness, and tend to be quiet about their national colours, mostly.

Here is an example of 'someone trying to pass for a Canadian' violin case.

Here is an example of a real Canadian violin case.

2) When dealing with anyone in a foreign country, try to speak less loud. It is quite all right to use expletives, but they must be under the breath, and funny. Any sort of loud shouting or cursing is distinctly un-Canadian and will be immediately regarded with suspicion.

3) Wait patiently in line, no matter what. Eye rolling is acceptable, but anger is not. If it's a very long line, typically, a Canadian guy would start chatting with the folks around him (please see rules 4 and 7). A Canadian girl would be only a bit less likely to do so.

4) To really make this work, try to get the accent right. Canadians use very few dipthongs, meaning, instead of saying "Neeuuoooh" as many do to the south, try to just say "no" exactly as spelled. This can be achieved by pursing the mouth a little bit and saying it quickly.

As for 'about', it is not pronounced 'a boot' in Canadian as many folks may think (thanks to Trey and Matt). Here is the right way to pronounce about, out, and outhouse (as well as Toronto, poutine, and the correct usage of the word eh) in proper Canadian, courtesy of my hockey playing, African and South American Tour Guide, and Toronto Fireman cousin Patrick Hayter, originally from Alvinston, Ontario (pop. 250).Patrick kindly demonstrates

Lara with Patrick

5 ) If you should find yourself driving in a foreign country, do not drive like a maniac, or honk your horn. Unless you think you can pull off being from Montreal, in which case you may drive recklessly, but with skill. To achieve this one, you must take some air from your words, make them a little bit shorter, and whenever there is a th, pronounce it as d (as in: "dis one", as opposed to the French "zis one"). It's also important to be, if male, very charming and sparkly eyed, and if female, well dressed (even if cheap, it still has to have that effortless fashion panache). Do not try this one in France, however, or Belgium/Switzerland/Senegal/Haiti, etc.

6) If you really do have to finally show the passport after all these precautions, try to keep only the back visible, not the front, until the last possible moment. The Canadian passport is a little bit bigger than certain other dark blue ones (perhaps due to land size) but the colour is identical.

6.5) Know something about hockey. At least the team names. This only really matters if you meet a Canadian (at which point you may as well give up), or, a Swedish person.

7) Choose your new adopted province, and learn about it. Ontario is the safe one, since it is the most populous, but if you really want to pull the wool, try adopting the cool and exotic sounding Saskatchewan, or Manitoba (for those, it's always good to know that minus 40 is where Fahrenheit and Celsius meet). If you find yourself to be a bit of an up-talker naturally (as in: "I'm from BC? It's really great there? We have, like, ocean and mountains and stuff?) then you might want to be from British Columbia. Or, you could try Nova Scotia but you'd better know some tunes. If you find yourself a bit of a cowboy, or girl, then Alberta is the one.

More esoteric would be Newfoundland, and you'd need to know lots about boats and fish. Most unusual would be the Yukon/Northwest Territories, or, Nunavut! (this last is bigger than Texas, California, Montana and New Mexico combined, and has a population of thirty thousand folks), but then you'd really have to study because people would ask lots of questions. Sine qua non would be a comprehensive knowledge of ice-fishing.

If all these matters are not addressed and strictly adhered to, then it is not proper to put a Canadian flag on any travel item.

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