Essays - Hell-Nerds

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There is a Far Side cartoon titled Nerds In Hell, where there are a few devils pictured, some flames, sweating folks, and one little guy in glasses who says to a sweaty guy in chains: "Hot enough for ya?".

Well, real-life Hell-Nerds exist, and they are the ones who, backstage, or sometime just before a concert, ask you: "Are ya ready?" or worse yet: "Are ya nervous?"

Then there is the retrospective Hell-Nerd, who, after a performance, asks: "So, are ya happy?". I mean, come on people.

The most irksome part of Hell-Nerds is that I have not yet devised a good comeback! I used to just reply no (to nervous, yes to ready), which is utterly brain-numbingly lame, and of late I have just been doing the fake non-eye smile, turning away, and letting silence take care of it (except for expletives under the breath).

What can ya say? There is really not a good retort for that query. I have dreamt of declaiming that indeed, I am all nervous, then crazily eye poppingly dementedly grabbing the Hell-Nerd in question and getting sick all over them on command, as seen on Jackass (ideally they would be dressed up). I have not managed that one yet. Still just a dream. Likely always will be.

I have also considered, after a perfectly timed long moment, just reaching out and slapping them (as Terence, or was it Philip? does to Brooke Shields in the South Park movie).

Another possibility would be a Churchillian rejoinder - as in: "I may be nervous. And you're ugly. But as soon as the concerto's over, I won't be". (This only works if the Hell-Nerd is actually not ugly - otherwise it would be mean, and I really can't abide rudeness) (somehow that that would be ruder than projectile vomiting or accosting with palm of hand).

It has been suggested that I answer a question with a question, in the manner of David Caruso in CSI Miami, something like " Do you think that I think that I am not ready/happy?" with all the obligatory downward talking and upward side headswings at the end of the sentence.

But those take up a lot of effort when one has one's sights fixed on the stage. If anyone can think of the perfect comeback to my next Hell-Nerd, I'd love to hear it. It's important to keep in mind, though, that Hell-Nerds are not malicious by nature; they're just freaking annoying.

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